If you stalk me with hidden cameras, I won't mind as long as you give me copies

Lately I've been wanting to set up little spy cams all over the house, in my car, over my cubicle, so I can watch myself.



It's so easy for me to perceive other peoples' personality blips. I sometimes even get paranoid that they're using them against me, or that them and their big, bad blips are out to get me.

Then the needle on the record screeches off and stops the show and I gotta ask myself, If certain people you encounter are annoying as all get-out, how is it that you're not?

Then I sez to myself ... Chances are, o indistinct member of the unwashed masses, that you're just as annoying.

Not that I'm not self-aware; I'm sometimes almost too much so. But I need to see myself more objectively, outside of my own skull. I need a bigger clue about how I react to others, how I move, my facial expressions, my habits, my body language, if I look fat in those jeans.

You know when you hear your recorded voice, and you're like, "Ew! I sound like that?" That's not at all how you hear yourself speak. Your words are resonating through your head, distorting how you sound to the rest of the world. And you're the only one who thinks you sound that way.

I guess I could just ask those closest to me, "Hey, tell me how whack I am. In a constructive way, of course." But I mean dang. That'd be ten times more uncomfortable for them than it would be for me. (If you're reading this and wouldn't mind holding up a mirror for me [and I actually know you], please, let 'er rip).

I could use the perspective, though. It's hard to see myself from here.

Skidoo hearts skrilla

I take in regular freelance tasks from Metro (apart from my regular job) for extra skrilla. It's "clerk work," such as typing up crime reports for the police blotter and putting together tiny profiles of high school students from a questionnaire they fill out for the "Good Kid" spotlight. I really appreciate the extra $600-$800 a month it slaps onto my paycheck, especially since, by now, I can do the work in my sleep. Here is a sample of the thought soup running through my head when I'm com-pilin' and pro-filin':

• "Crap, can anyone see me typing this up?"
• "Crap, two years removed from being a Metro clerk, and I'm still ... a Metro clerk."
• "Shut up. Pride goes before a fall. Feel blessed."
• "Yeah this is helping me get my car paid off. But will I ever be freelance-free? After the car, then there's my 2002 taxes. Then there's my school loan. By then, I'll be wanting a house."
• "Milk, fruit, pads, cereal, gluten-free waffles, cotton balls ... no wait, I still have pads left over from last month ... uumm ... green tea, toothpaste ... "
• "Crap, my editor just walked by. I hope she can't tell I'm trying to be sneaky."
• "I'm not trying to be sneaky ... this only takes me 20 minutes, and Lord knows I make up that time elsewhere."
• "Hmmm. This girl says 'The two people I would like to meet are: Oprah Winfrey and my dad.' What a winner. Way to step up, there, dude. Bastard."
• "I really need to do this at home."
• "I miss Brian."
• "Brian better not pull that emotionally-absent bunk on me again this weekend."
• "Ugh, these capris have gotten tight."
• "Oh good — the 'Italian roast is ready' e-mail. Nope Christy, staaaaay, staaay; wait til you're finished typing this up ..."
• "Why has the 1400 block of Whipporwill had an aggravated robbery, two criminal mischiefs, four vehicle burglaries, three residential buglaries and one indecent exposure, all in one week? G-H-E-T-T-O, that's why."
• "Shut up, Christy. Pride goes before a fall."
• "Fall, schmall. I'm done. Give me some coffee."

Love me some Hill Country

I got back from my THIRD road trip in two months to the Austin/Fredericksburg area. I like them thar hills! Brian, I have to say, is a terribly awesome travel companion. We had such a blast. Enchanted Rock, Bees Cave, Austin, Wimberley ... gorgeous stuff. I have to write some more about it, but meanwhile, here are the requisite vacation photos (it's the album with the black and white mug of me cheesing).

Perverted fiscal priorities

2001: "Shortfalls in federal and state funding and changing population patterns have placed a tremendous burden on our aging power plants, water systems, airports, bridges, highways and schools. In short, America has been seriously underinvesting in its infrastructure for decades and our report card reflects that unfortunate reality."

2005: "American Society of Civil Engineers's 2005 Report Card for America's Infrastructure assessed the condition and capacity of our nation's public works with an overall grade of D. ASCE estimates that $1.6 trillion is needed over a five-year period to bring the nation's infrastructure to good condition."

2007: (CNN) — "At least six people were killed when an interstate bridge in Minneapolis, Minnesota, collapsed Wednesday evening, in what the governor called a 'catastrophe of historic proportions.'"